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It's with a heavy heart I hereby tender my resignation with immediate effect. I do hope you, the public will understand my position.

Recipient profile picture Boris Johnson
i
21 July
Dear Boris Johnson,
It’s with a heavy heart I wish to resign from my post as CRO (Chief Rave Officer) at Her Majesty’s Government. Sure, I wasn’t technically voted in, nor technically needed, given your cabinet’s skill in organising parties of their own. But the time’s right for change. I don’t come to this decision lightly. Only after my recent trouncing at Clattersticks by Nadine Dorries was my position was evident. What right does one have to blare block-rockin’ beats, if they can’t hold their own in the sporting arena of 10 Downing St.? It’s been an enormous privilege to serve this Government. Keeping the drinks flowin’ and the tunes blowin’ was my honour. That said, no self respecting DJ likes playing to stragglers. To leave parliamentary office is a serious matter at any time. I recognise this may be my last ministerial job, so if you need someone for the leaving do, please reach out. I’ve got a right proper dirty mix of Balearic House up my sleeve for just such an occasion. Thanks for all your sterling work on international relations, Brexit, COVID, nepotism and the other stuff you assured us you’ve definitely done very, very well. “Regards”,

Tom Wish

Author profile picture Tom Wish
21 July
Dear Tom Wish,

We thank you for your many recent letters regarding your offer to organise a “totally legal office rave *wink wink* for Bojo and his pals” but I have been pressed by Mr. Johnson’s office to ask you to kindly desist in writing to us.

We love the enthusiasm you show for your chosen career and hearing from constituents is always something we encourage. We have no doubt “the quality of your banger selection would leave nothing but sweaty messes” in no.10, as you so eloquently claim.

That said, the sheer quantity of letters you’ve sent in has been overwhelming.

I’m including the last glow stick you sent to us as a gesture of goodwill in the hope you'll refrain from writing to us again. I’m sad to confirm the other 199 have been destroyed in accordance with government policy.

I’ve also been asked to insist we have a zero tolerance policy on substance abuse and further reference to “knowing a guy who does good deals” will be fully investigated, should the unwarranted correspondence continue.

I wish you all the best with your future endeavours.

Yours faithfully,

Peter Wilson

Principle Private Secretary to, and on behalf of:

Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson

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